When I remember when I first obtained the Fa, the feeling was just that I found about my destiny in life. I felt that I could let go everything from the secular world and follow Master to go home. This was accompanied by the joy and the happiness of obtaining the Fa.
As time goes by in cultivation, I feel more and more about the hardship in cultivation and the hardship of letting go of humanness, not cultivating as if I had just started.
I'm starting to see my gap in Fa Study and cultivation widening recently. I have studied Fa many times, I am familiar with the content of the book and I feel I'm not as peaceful in mind as before during Fa study. I can study in a very smooth manner, I can also pick out when other practitioners read the Fa wrong. However, my heart is not at peace. Because I am just studying the Fa for the sake of studying the Fa, wasting my time and did not obtain Fa during studying.
When I cannot study the Fa with a peaceful heart, the consequence is that I cannot obtain the Fa. And I don’t have the guidance of the Fa when I encounter things, or I don’t have the power from Dafa when I do my projects to validate Dafa. Especially for respecting Master and the Fa, I can see my bad thoughts. I realized that it is very dangerous to keep this state. I have realized these before but I did not cultivate them away in a solid manner, I have only stopped at "oh, this thought is not good, I will get rid of it”, then let it go easily, I am simply letting go of the things that should be removed during my cultivation.
I think the key to how to do this well is to do the three things told by Master accordingly; doing things in a solid manner and sincerely cultivating myself. Pay attention to the quality of Fa study but not to how long I have studied. Do not cut corners on sending forth righteous thoughts. Do not let go of any mind activity and thoughts. Rectify myself with the Fa in a timely manner. Treasure the time given by Master and treasure my own cultivation.
Several things happened recently and I recognized my shortcomings in my cultivation that I have to repeatedly pay more attention to.
I have had several dreams recently and cannot remember the details. But they're all about I did not safeguard my own xinxing in the dream and started to fight with the other party. In real life I will not enter conflict with other party, out of the attachment of fear or saving face, I endured in a reluctant manner and let these feelings stay in my heart. However, I let my control free in the dreams and let go of all my thoughts in my heart in an unrestrained manner, I felt very good when venting and I really let go of my anger. I felt very sad when waking up, I feel that I have not cultivated well and my level is very low, but this was my true self and it let me see my shortcomings in my cultivation.
There is another story in this reality, my husband damaged my car's wheel rim when parking. I like my car very much and I try to drive very cautiously, I don't like anybody to sit in my car, now you know how much I am attached to this car. I was very angry at the time, I was supposed to buy dinner and now I had no heart in doing this at all. I started to drive home immediately. My husband probably felt bad about the car as well; or he felt that I am very angry; or he thought that I should not be that angry because he did not do it on purpose.
I'm trying very hard to suppress my anger and as a cultivator I know nothing is accidental. I'm trying to think about Master's lectures to placate myself. But on that spot with all the angers in my brain I couldn’t think about anything, so I chanted "Falun Dafa is good" many times into my heart, but the scene of the wheel rim of the car was constantly entering my brain, my hatred towards my husband was coming in waves and waves. I tried to control myself and tried not to speak anything, I knew I would burst into anger and fight if I started to talk.
I chanted "Dafa is good" to bring myself to peace. My husband sent me home and then went back to deliver the newspapers.
I was gradually cooling down at my home by myself, I was looking into myself, and I saw my selfish attachments in my heart. I didn’t think of the others and I didn’t respect others. I harbored strong attachments to the things that I liked. Can I bring these with me into Heaven? Of course not, then why am I so attached? Master said “You know, when a person reaches the Arhat level he’s not fazed by anything he comes across. He’s not the least bit concerned about any human things and he’s always upbeat. It doesn’t matter how much he loses out, he’s upbeat and doesn’t mind.” [Lecture Nine, Zhuan Falun]
My heart started to open up, I sincerely felt that cultivation is good, thanks to our magnificent Master. I know I have lots of shortcomings in my cultivation, I am ashamed to face Master, and I am ashamed of the title given by Master “Dafa Disciple”. In the limited time for Fa-rectification, I wish we could be more diligent together, we don’t fail to live up to Master’s expectations, we don’t fail to live up to the expectations of sentient beings, we can truly do the things that Master wants us to do well, follow Master back home and achieve consummation.
I would like to share a poem in Master’s Hong Yin II:
Discarding Attachments
You may talk cultivation
But you have to discard the attachments
that you hold deep inside
What’s given up is not oneself
But instead the folly of delusion
April 16, 2001
Twenty-third day of the third month, the lunar year of Xin Si
