S. Z.

I obtained the Fa in 1996 and have been cultivating for nearly two decades. Recall the ups and downs of the past two decades, there are many twists and turns, and I have struggled to go on the way home. Under the care of the Great Master, I feel like I am moving up, leaving the dirty pit of Earth, and I'm inching up to the paradise – my home. Today what I want to share is about my experience in getting rid of the fetters of Qing in cultivation and in following Master to validate the Fa.

Give up the attachment to marriage

After graduation from college, I married a classmate in my medical school. I also left home and moved to the city where the medical school was for him. One day, all of a sudden, he said to me, let’s get divorced. I was shocked, and asked why? He said that we had no common interests. I was really very, very sad. What the common interests? I took care of the children every day, tended my work and did the family chores. He wasn’t involved in any of the family matters, not even a bit. How could he say that we had no common interest? Our son was only two years old. How would he live in his life? Since then I started have insomnia that I never had before. I could hear clearly even the slightest sound outside at night. During the day, I had a variety of headache, dizziness. What were those painful days!

I took my son back to my mom’s home during a summer break. My mother was pleased to tell me she was cultivating Falun Gong. Her years of muscle fiber hperplasia and varicose legs had been greatly improved. She showed me her treasured book and asked me read it. I read a few pages when I had time. A few days later, I went to watch when Falun Gong practitioners there played back Master lecturing video. Everything went so naturally. While watching, I did not realize what I was doing. In fact, I did not really understand what Master was talking about, but I felt it was pretty good. But I still could not get into sleep at night. One night, I was so uncomfortable, and I said in my mind that, “Master, I want to go to sleep.” Then I just unwittingly fell asleep. I woke up next morning and was very surprised, I thought I was asleep, but could not believe it. In the following days, whenever I had a splitting headache and could not get into sleep, I called for Master’s help from the bottom of my heart, “Master”. The voice was so calm that was from the deep of my life, and I felt asleep. One night, I dreamed of the Master and his wife. I could not see them clearly, but I knew it was Master and his wife, who seemed to be on a long journey. Their car stopped by me, and Master got off the car and shook my hands. Master said, I will see you off this far, and you will go on your own in the future. I quickly took out some food items I had with me and gave to Master, he accepted them with a smile.

Since then, I knew Dafa came to save me and it is indispensable to my life. When school started, I took "Zhuan Falun" the treasured book back to the university. My marital status continues to deteriorate significantly, although I tried my best to follow the teaching in the book, giving up the attachment, taking it lightly, treating everyone well. But it was still difficult to get rid of the thought of being wronged in my heart. I even thought of suicide. I really wanted to end my life. If life is like a dream, a big dream, why do I need to struggle for it? It is ok to end it ASAP. But another thought came up. If I died, who would raise my son and how sad would my parents be? Whenever I felt heartbreaking, I would read Master's book. I calmed down slowly. Several times when reading, I found that the characters in the book were colorful and trimmed with gold. I found it very strange and looked at the book from many angles, it always looked gold and shiny. I called our compassionate Master from the bottom of my heart, thanking him for revealing the great Dafa to me!

Yet the divorce process was still very painful. I cried and begged Master to show me the predestined relationship of my marriage. Why was the marriage that I devoted so much to ended up like this? I was shown about my marriage in a dream. There was a boy in the neighborhood and he was my classmate. He was very nice to me. Both our families were satisfied and very willing for us to marry each other. But just before we were about to get married, my husband showed up and severely pinched my neck. I could not breathe nor cry, then I woke up. My pillow was all wet with tears when I woke up. I thanked Master from my heart beyond words: Master, thank you for showing it to me. I know now that there was debt I owe others, maybe a debt of life, so that person would come to take my life.

My marriage ended quietly in October 1998. I know this was my karmic debt, the debt I owed. Let me get them paid off calmly. After divorce, my father came to help me take care of my child. He started practicing in May of 1997. We participated in studying the Fa and exercising in local group, and spreading the Fa in local communities. My son also joined us. That time was very, very happy. I never had the relaxing and pleasant feeling with my mind and body completely immersed in the Fa.

Steadfast cultivation in the years of evil persecution

But happiness is always short-lived. Soon in July 1999, the situation suddenly changed. Evil descends with overwhelming suppression and slandering propaganda. CCP secretary and the president of my university prohibited me from teaching classes, they house arrested me in the office to force me to write “the pledge” that I would no longer practice Falun Gong in the future. They also asked me to turn in all my Falun Gong-related books. At that time, there were four teachers in our university who had heard about Falun Gong, they were also asked to pledge to not practice Falun Gong. Two of them wrote easily, all their books were handed in; the third person went through some mental struggles and then wrote the pledge, and handed in the books. I was left as the only one not writing it. What should I do, write it or not? The CCP stipulated that if I do not write "the pledge", party secretary and president of the university will be punished, and they may even be suspended. Therefore, university officers tried all the means to make me give in, and threatened that if I do not write "the pledge", I would be sent to brainwashing centers, labor camps, and even prison.

That's when I really began to think seriously. Why do I want to practice? Will I keep practicing if I need to sacrifice all my belongings, lose my job or even life? I kept reading all Dafa books again and again at home, looking for evidence that some could have “blinded” me, which was acclaimed by those officials. However, I found nothing. All I could find was that Dafa is pure and compassionate! I told to unit leaders and the people around them about my practicing Falun Gong and the benefits for individuals and society, and told them that I would never give up the practice because Falun Gong makes my life meaningful and empowers my life!

Unit leaders finally took my cultivation experience writing and the whole thing ended hastily, but I then became their key subject to watch. In addition, my parents were also cultivators, so the unit leaders and local police stepped up their surveillance on me. In those initial crazy suppressing years, I and my parents re-examined our faith, and strengthened our determination to practice to the end. We promise to be together forever in this life and in the future. But then the situation became more serious, and the suppression became escalated. My parents decided to go to Beijing to recompense Dafa. My son was still attending school, so my parents went to Beijing themselves first. They could not stay without doing anything. Knowing the road ahead was dangerous, I bided farewell to my parents in tears. Three days later, local police escorted them back from Beijing, and they were taken directly to the local labor camp.

With my brother and sisters’ efforts, three months later, my parents finally came out of the labor camp. My father had been beaten very seriously in labor camps. He had to sleep on the cement floor for three months in the coldest winter in the north. His lung disease, cured when practicing Falun Gong, relapsed. His body was very weak. My parents both worked for this country for thirty years. They were retired but in poor health. Believing in Truthfulness, Compassion, Forbearance, doing good deeds and being really good people, makes them healthy in both body and mind. What is wrong with that? How can the government persecute these believers in Buddha and Gods? When my parents left, I had been harassed and intimidated every day and could not attend my work. I wanted to ask the Beijing authorities what's wrong with believing in Truthfulness Compassion, Forbearance? Why were these people unreasonably suppressed? I knew that my appeal may lead to more severe suppression, but Falun Gong disciples cannot keep silent in the face of slandering and defamation of Falun Gong.

Another disciple nearby and I went to Tiananmen Square together on early morning January 20, 2001, when my son’s school was in winter break. We could not take the train to Beijing directly because everyone would be checked and questioned to see if one was Falun Gong practitioner and how one viewed Falun Gong. If someone is a practitioner, or one who does not support the suppression by the government, he/she would be arrested immediately. How crazy had this country become! It would rather make people lie than believe in the universal principles of Truthfulness, Compassion, and Forbearance! We first took a train to Tianjin in two hours, then took a private minibus to Beijing, arrived at Tiananmen Square at about 3pm. On the way, we saw all train stations and bus stations filled with heavily armed police and police cars. There were more of them in Tiananmen Square, appearing everywhere. Cultivators with the truth have the courage to confront the evil, and are readily to defend the truth and innocence of Dafa. We did not hesitate to go straight to the center of the square with our pre-prepared banners, and shouted "Falun Dafa is good, Truthfulness, Compassion, Forbearance is good!" The police immediately found us, frantically seized our banners, handcuffed us, and stuffed us into a nearby police car. We were taken to the Tiananmen Square police station.

In Tiananmen Square police station, we saw a lot of detained Falun Gong practitioners locked in the prison cells, and some were children. We were interrogated separately of name, address, employer, and why we came to Beijing. After that, we were taken to a nearby hotel. We were forced to squat in the lobby. Three hours later, the university campus police arrived at the hotel. School police took us back and we were held in teachers’ quarters. The party secretary and president of the university asked me to write a confession. I refused. I did nothing wrong. I had nothing to confess. Falun Gong is my belief, and as a citizen, I have the right to have my own belief. I went on a hunger strike and, two days later, they gave up on asking me to write “the pledge”. Campus police wanted to open my handcuffs, I did not let them and insisted that I let all the school teachers and students see that I was handcuffed for no crime committed!

Then it was a week before Chinese New Year, and no one wanted to monitor me in my university. Therefore, university leaders planed to turn me in to police station. The elder director of my teaching-research group was very sympathetic to me. He knew that, once I was sent to the police station, I might be sent to a labor camp or even prison. My son would lose his only loved one, and I would be labeled as a criminal, unable to live in the society freely. He and his wife, an internal medical director, went to the university president requesting to watch me during Chinese New Year. Knowing that I'm a really kind person and not like to see my being persecuted too, the president agreed. So the director and his wife pulled me out of the dorm. When we exited the university entrance, we saw police vehicles roaring into school. With a window of less than 10 minutes, Master protected me and had me leave the campus safely.

During Chinese New Year, the director and his wife got to know the truth of Falun Gong. I told them Falun Gong is wonderful and why CCP suppresses Falun Gong. They changed from not knowing the truth to understanding me very much and being supportive. The day before the winter break ended, they went to talk to the president and wrote a “guarantee”. They were willing to guarantee to let me go home, so I returned home a month later.

In retrospect, those crazy suppressive years also established cultivator with incomparable virtue and glory. When evil was rampant, only Dafa is capable of shedding the light in the darkness for practitioners, and helping us to find the very narrow road to paradise, and getting rid of the human attachments.

Let go of the affection to parents

My son was sent back from my ex-husband when new semester started. However, he did not want to go to school, even though he liked studying before. He felt nothing of interest, and became addicted to video games. He found psychological pressure release in the virtual world. My father came from home to where I worked, because of his concern about the difficult situation of me and my son. My father's health had been bad since coming out of the labor camp last year, weak and never recovered. My mother wanted to come with my father together, but it was not allowed by the local police and the party branch. So my father came by himself. After my father came, my son was getting better and willing to go to school.

On July 1, 2001, a family member called and told me that my mother got arrested and sent to forced labor camp, because Falun Gong materials were seized in the family. Once my father heard about the news, he could not withstand the blow, his health condition deteriorated rapidly. He started coughing until hemoptysis. On August 23 I called in an ambulance to escort him to the affiliated hospital of my medical school. He died of emphysema, respiratory failure and toxic shock at about 4 am next day, even though doctors had rescued him with all efforts.

At that moment, I had no conscious and did not know what to do. I could not believe my father had left us forever. I sat quietly by his body and talked to him, with no crying and no tears. My sister took the train all the night to come, but she also could not see her father for the last time. We faced each other soundlessly, only let tears dropping silently. This evil persecution was so cruel to break up our happy family.

I almost collapsed upon my father's sudden death and my mother's detention in forced labor camp. I went to office every day facing the threat and intimidation from my school. When I left home, I even thought of if I could come back home again. I felt that my life was going away from me. Death was like the air surrounding me. I felt I could see the hideous look of death. But this time I had one firm thought in my mind. I would not give up my own life. I am a Dafa disciple. I was keenly aware of two things I needed to do. One is that I have to stick to Dafa and cultivation practice, because that is the true meaning of my life. The other is that I want raise my child independently, fulfilling my duty as a parent. However, my body and mind was so tired that I did not have the capability to raise my son by myself alone an away from my hometown. My family could help if I return to hometown and stay with my family. Therefore, I desperately prepared my schooleork in order to take graduate entrance examination. With Master's blessing, my score was just one point above the acceptance line. I was admitted to graduate school in a master program with my tuition waived, and my advisor was well known.

I had only 260 yuan (USD$45) a month of graduate student assistantship. I attended graduate school and my son went to elementary school. Although there was help from my family, but life was still very hard. But more bitter is from my heart. I could not put aside my own attachment to my father. My father loved me the most since I was born. It was him who helped me going through a difficult time in marriage with no complaints. It was again him who was duty-bound to support me in difficult times during cultivation practice. He never gave up helping me even for a day. He came to accompany me even when he was in his poorest health condition. But I did not help him getting over his pass when he was in tribulation. I could not forgive myself. By studying Dafa repeatedly, my mother and I came to realize that this was the old forces' persecution of Dafa disciples. In the past we were cultivating ourselves. Now it is different. Later, whenever I was sad, I sent forth righteous thoughts to clear the rotten demons. I had a dream of my father. He came and told me that God assigned him to be in charge of a garden. So he left early. I stopped crying from that day on. I knew that compassionate Master sent the message that my father is very good in heaven, and helped me overcome the hurdle of Qing.

Since then, I successfully earned a master’s degree, a Ph.D., and did post-doctoral work for two years in China, and was promoted to Associate Professor and Professor, and came to the United States successfully. I contacted local Dafa disciples immediately. I felt like seeing my loved ones when meeting with them, I again merged in with Dafa practitioners and involved in spreading Dafa. The happy, boundless feeling of Dafa returned to me. I participated in group exercises, Fa study, putting up Shen Yun posters, distributing flyers, and collecting petition signatures in events. Time flies and then I had to make a decision - return home or stay in the United States. This was so important which will determine my future life since it is very different in China than in the United States. I thought of it once and again and did not know what to do. All of a sudden, I untied the issue by myself. One morning while waiting on oil change in a garage, I studied Master's latest lectures. After I completed my study, I inadvertently looked up at the television, on which people were talking about the troubles in human lives. The person on TV said that people have many troubles, but the reason is because people do not have faith in God completely and one hundred percent.

I thought of myself - why do I always tangle with the thinking of returning home or staying in the United States? It is because I did not truly let go of ordinary things in my heart, did not have one hundred percent faith on Dafa. “On Dafa” stresses “Dafa is the wisdom of the Creator. It is the bedrock of creation, what the heavens, earth, and universe are built upon.” Well, if my life is fully integrated in the wisdom of the Creator and what I studied is the bedrock of creation, is what the heavens, earth and universe are built upon, what on the earth do I need to tangle with? My life is for the Fa, and everything exists for the Fa. As for the future lives of my mother and me, the Master has arranged already. There will be answers in Dafa. I cannot say all of my worries and concerns are due to human attachments, but it played a large part. I did not devote myself fully to Dafa. I thought I found the answer to the question all of a sudden.

I called my mom to tell her my decision. She was very supportive, but I could feel she had a lot of dismay, so did I. Sometimes I was very sad. Once such a thought emerged, I told myself that it was not me, and my true self is very pure with no trace of attachment. As a Dafa disciple, I stay here to do things Dafa disciples need to do. I called my mom to tell her that I loved her that I am among Dafa disciples and I will try to save more sentient beings, and that I can rest assured since she is a practitioner and we are to give up all of the sentimentality. Let us thank Master and Dafa for giving us the best chance. If we are everyday people, I can be around you today, but we'll be apart from each other soon. We have experienced that life is short and ruthless many times. How many loved ones around us died, and my dear father also left us nearly fifteen years ago. Even with fifteen years apart, he was like being with me like yesterday. Life is also priceless. I do not know how many fifteen years we can stay together, but I know that if we temper ourselves in the Dafa, we will always be together!

My mother was a great mom. She was strong and intelligent. With the Dafa in her mind, she never stopped striving toward that extremely excellent goal for even a day. After hearing what I said, she also let go of the attachment to sentimentality. And now every day she is busy with preparing truth materials for local practitioners, goes out to spread the material to save sentient beings. I sublimated from sentimentality in a broad benevolence to lives. My life became so relaxed and comfortable. I know that I and my parents have predestined relationship, as we agreed upon, as life in Dafa, we will be together forever.

Completely let go of the sentiment between men and women

Even though I let go of the attachment of marriage, but deep down I still yearned for love between men and women, especially the kind of the affection of men and women in American family which was quite tempting to me. Due to this thought, one day I felt a voice saying that, you do not need to worry, he is on the way. A month later, I met a man in an academic conference for the first time. He just lost his wife six months ago, had not yet recovered from the death of her. I was very sympathetic to him. He went to Belgium many years ago to earn his PhD, and later went to Canada, and then a decade ago came to the United States. He was an associate professor in the medical center of a university. Our professional fields are very close. We can work together. Our hometowns in China are not too far from each other, and our lifestyles and diets are of no big difference. He cherished the affinity between men and women after the death of his wife. I felt he was the ideal man I was looking for. So soon after I moved to the city where he lives. He arranged a position for me in his lab. I felt that I was blessed, and started living like everyday people. I still kept studying the Fa and doing exercise, but I came to a new city and left behind all those known fellow practitioners, and I gradually slacked off.

Until one day, I suddenly saw the roadside Shen Yun posters. Was Shen Yun coming to my city? I was very excited and verified it online. I immediately contacted the coordinator of the state. I had never gotten hold of him before, but now I connected with him immediately. He told me I was the only practitioner in this city, and Shen Yun came to the city for the first time, and it was added to the show schedule at last minute. I recalled a feeling not long ago that in trance, while I and other Dafa disciples were in a hurry walking, one hand extended from the edge of the embankment, all of a sudden I was dragged into the roadside ditch.

I awaked from reality, and was very grateful to the great Master. In order to get me out of this troubled world, Master sent Shen Yun to my city. I rushed to bring back Shen Yun posters and flyers. I utilized my spare time and weekends to put up the posters to the prosperous areas all around my city and nearby cities. I found out all contact info related to dance and art, sent them emails, paid a visit if possible. With the help and support of fellow practitioners, Shen Yun was a huge success in my city! Dancers and the audience interacted harmoniously. Every time when dancers appeared on the stage, there incurred a round of applause. The dancers were happy and thanked us for our hard work. People who watched the show expressed in emails that they were deeply touched and moved by the beauty and grandeur of Chinese divine culture.

And deep in my heart, I knew Master was so compassionate, and I was grateful to Shen Yun which gave the priceless opportunity for me once again immersed in Dafa. However, my relationship with him began deteriorating, and I felt him moving away from me day by day. More and more clearly, I felt that he was refusing. I tried my best to restore our relationship. I told him about Dafa, about the meaning of life, which he used to accept, but no longer receptive by now. I calmed down to think of it carefully. Finally, I realized that he used to think I was just talking about it, and would live an ordinary life like him. But now he saw the real me, who is to abandon all attachments of everyday people, who takes on the way returning to divine, so he could no longer accept me.

For me, there are two choices. One is to go back to what I had, live an everyday people’s life with him; the other is come back to cultivation practice as Dafa disciples, and cultivate diligently to return to our true home. I awakened from a dream, had I been that far apart from Dafa? Did I forget my goal in this life? In the harsh situations in China, I was willing to give up all the practical benefits for Dafa, now in a peaceful environment, how come I turned away from Dafa? I quickly returned to the ranks of Dafa disciples. I often went to practitioners’ home to study the Fa and participated in various Dafa activities as much as possible. That pure, compassionate field can eliminate all evils! Giving up the fundamental sentimentality between men and women is very difficult, but I did it, because I already knew that was the reason for my suffering in this world, and to give up is really the true happiness and peace.

One day in meditation I saw myself climbing out of the big cesspit. I staggered, stumbled down to the ground around the cesspit. There was clean water flushing away the dirty things on me once I came out of the pit. Then a yellow robe draped on my body. I quietly sat down to meditate. I saw my body covered with the crust, full of scars. Yellow and red water were discharged under the yellow robe. Since then, whenever I meditate, I could hear birds singing, breathe the fragrant air, and hear the wind gently blowing through. Everything is so beautiful and serene. Master says that "The space of the universe is benevolent to begin with and embodies the characteristic of Zhen-Shan-Ren. At birth, one is assimilated to the characteristic of the universe." (“Zhuan Falun”, Lecture One) It is because I became bad, I fell to this cesspit step by step. And I still wanted to pursue those dirty attachments without knowing it. When I put down those attachments and looked back, I then realized how dirty that is; when I raised myself up, I then got to know this beautiful, comfortable universe.

Finally, let me share a poem by my father who wrote it on his cultivation dairy, and use it to encourage everyone.

Fulfill my will, fulfill the predestined relationships,
Resolve the thoughts and missing, resolve the dragging of life after life,
Open the wisdom of your mind, blissful upon encountering Dafa,
Predestined to practice, listen to Master’s lecture, and leave no loophole,
Study the Fa and cultivate the mind, consummation is bound to realize,
Soar into the sky, and go back to our home in sky.

Thank you Master, thank you fellow practitioners. Please correct any inappropriateness.